Living at Our Own Pace: On Control, Freedom and Finding Peace

For much of my life, I’ve been someone who makes things happen. I see possibilities, bring people together, build things, solve problems and take responsibility. I’ve enjoyed much of it. There is something deeply satisfying about imagining something and then bringing it into being. However, in this season, I am asking myself a different set of questions. How much do I really need to do? What deserves my attention in this season? What can I let go of? And where is the space in my life to simply be, without being responsible for making something happen?

These questions were already on my mind when I sat down with Patricia Karugaba for a conversation on In Her Element. And then Patricia challenged an assumption I’d made about her life. I’ve known Patricia since our school days. Looking at her life from the outside, I’d imagined her as someone who had found a way to live at her own pace, on her own terms. But when I suggested this, she questioned it. “Have I truly lived life at my own pace? Or has life thrown itself at me, and I’ve somehow navigated through?”

I found that question fascinating.

Finding agency

Because isn’t that true of so many of us? We make plans, set goals, pursue opportunities and work towards a future we imagine for ourselves. And then life happens. Relationships change. Our bodies change. Opportunities disappear or arrive unexpectedly. Things we thought would happen easily become difficult. Patricia spoke about some of these experiences, including her long journey through childlessness, the emotional toll it took, and the difficult choices she has made along the way. Listening to her, I was struck by the difference between choosing the circumstances of our lives and choosing how we navigate them. We often speak about living on our own terms as though it means being in control. But perhaps it means something else.

I’ve been looking at my own life through a similar lens. I have several things I care deeply about. My consulting work, KaraSpace, In Her Element, my family, the people and communities I’m connected to. Each has its own demands, possibilities and unfinished business. For a long time, my instinct has been to respond by doing more. There is a strength in that, as well as a cost because the more things I create, the more things require something of me. I am now asking myself the question- whether the way I’m living reflects what matters most to me now.

I’ve started making changes, one small step at a time. Looking for people who can take responsibility for work I don’t need to carry myself, more space for reading, walking, writing and conversations that nourish me. I’m learning that just because something is worthwhile doesn’t mean it belongs in this season of my life. But knowing this and living it are two different things. I still catch myself wanting to step in, organise, fix, initiate or take on one more thing. I’m discovering that letting go is a practice.

When Freedom looks like an empty day

There was another moment in my conversation with Patricia that brought all this into sharper focus. Towards the end, I asked her what she wanted for herself now. Not Patricia the mother. Not Patricia the businesswoman. Just Patricia. Her answer was wonderfully simple. She wanted to go to bed without an agenda for tomorrow. To wake up and decide what she felt like doing. Perhaps take a walk. Perhaps write. Perhaps do something simply because she wanted to, rather than because she had to. I’ve thought about that answer several times since. Because it sounds so ordinary. An unplanned day. A morning without obligations. The freedom to decide what to do with one’s time. And yet, for someone who has spent years carrying responsibilities, that can be an extraordinary thing to want.

Perhaps that’s one of the freedoms I’m looking for. Not freedom from everything I’ve built or everyone I care about. But freedom to participate in life without always having to manage it. The more I reflect on Patricia’s conversation, the more I find myself distinguishing between control, agency and freedom. Control is our ability to determine what happens. Agency is our ability to make meaningful choices within the circumstances we find ourselves in. And freedom, I’m beginning to think, may have something to do with the space we create to exercise that agency.

The freedom of this season

I don’t think freedom means the same thing at every stage of life. There was a time when freedom meant independence, opportunity and the ability to pursue what I wanted. There have been seasons when it meant having the courage to begin something new, even without knowing how it would turn out. Now, I’m discovering another possibility. Freedom also means having fewer things that claim me. Having time to read a book without thinking about what I should do with the ideas. Taking a walk without needing to turn it into a productive activity. Sitting in a conversation without being responsible for its outcome. Choosing what deserves my energy, and being at peace with what I choose not to do.

I don’t always manage this. I’m still learning how to pause, even as I write about the importance of pausing. I’m still finding my way between the work I love and the life I want to have room to live. But perhaps that is the point. Living at our own pace may not be something we achieve once and for all. It may be something we keep negotiating as our circumstances, responsibilities and desires change. Patricia’s question has helped me see that more clearly.

What is this season of your life asking of you? What are you noticing?

Ashanut